Monday, March 28, 2005

 

Hell. noun To an American see below, Utopia. noun To a liberal see below.

Heaven to a Liberal must be like a green unspoiled field of flowers, where hummingbirds and puppy dogs play, dotted by the occasional Communist-era Tenement Building, where everything is homogeneous and equal, with an Abortion Clinics next to a Strip Club, across from a Free Meat Ration Centers next to the Government Will Adopt All Unwanted Animals center, all underneath billboards reminding Citizens to hug a tree and save a whale. Citizens that gain entry into this Heaven include Pedophiles and Serial murders, because their sins are the result of societies mistakes, Terrorists who are forgiven because the Citizens didnt respect their viewpoints or situation enough, Adulterers and bigamists, because by denying them where would the Great Leaders of the Left go when they died? (Roosevelt, Kennedy, Clinton and the ever faithful Jesse Jackson). Those who do not accept the State as the highest power in their lives go to somewhere else when they die, so this heaven is void of Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus and every other religious group. The word God is taboo, for someone might be offended, and besides, religion has yet to be proven thru scientific methods, and science is never wrong. Alas, there are too many right angles in a Cross, to few in a Crescent or Star, and statues of overweight smiling bald men are offensive to overweight smiling bald men, and can all be easily replaced by the huge red banners of the State. And of course the average Citizen cannot be forced to learn common sense, so the state bans running and scissors, forks and toasters, and putting all ones eggs in one basket. Dogs and cats are equals, and have a place at the dinner table by law. Politicians are appointed not by their qualifications or merits, but by how many ounces of tears they can cry whilst looking at pictures of oil spills or dead baby seals. Law are determined by the rule of emotion, depending on what feels right and internationally correct to a group of judges on any given day. Citizens from Texas are called Citizens from Texas, because calling them Texans would offend people from outside of Texas. For the same reason the Flag would be illegal, only pictures of Comrade Stalin, Mao, Pot, Castro, Lenin, Minh, and Clinton . Football players huddle and give thanks to the Revolution or whatever before every game, and chase each other yelling "I tackled you" since physical contact is too violent and someone could get hurt. In the end of every sporting event though, there are always two winners, since calling one team or opponent the "loser" who demean and demoralize the less talented team. Time machines allow the honest leaders left of center to go into the future and analyze facts and intelligence, unlike the leaders right or center, who have also traveled to the future and analyzed facts and intelligence, only choose to lie about them. Healthcare is free, but only herbs and weed are administered, as burning fossil fuels or using nuclear energy are forbidden and there's no electricity to power the medical equipment. And if the marijuana and herbs don't bring your fever down, the government health officer can prescribe you an extra strength cyanide pain reliever. Dan Rather runs the Ministry of Truth, Ted Kennedy the Alcohol part of the former A.T.F., Clinton the Tobacco part, and the ACLU oversees the newly created Sticks & Stones & Words division, forming the new and improved A.T.S.S.W. The great unjust war hero protester John Kerry is in charge of the design and awarding of medals to our veterans, only after the medals pass rigorous abuse and distance throwing tests. Only there aren't many veterans, since soldiers go into battle with homemade slingshots and spears, as there is no $ left for the military after paying for massive social programs. The Army's new slogan is " The Army required of every one", and casualties mount in the many overseas misunderstandings, as permission to return fire is withheld on the account of possible collateral damage, and has been withheld for more than 3 years into the Middle East misunderstanding. Every Citizen is required to drive an electric car, except the politicians and the Hollywood movie stars, they are too busy to wait and recharge batteries. The average Citizen enjoys handing over his / her paycheck to his neighborhood government official, and celebrates when handed back enough to survive for three days after payday. It is immoral and illegal for a company to strive work hard and gain success in their field while turning a profit, so government nationalizes the company and dishes out free cigarettes, alcohol, and oil, all while the Citizen rejoices over the end of the evil corporations. The average Citizen eagerly rolls up their sleeve and smile when the friendly and honest neighborhood government official informs them they are too sick or old or sad or unhealthy or rational and would burden the state, even reimbursing the state for the needle and injection. In this Heaven the Citizen accepts that the State is the ultimate salvation , the highest power, and that their life is unimportant, to be lived only serving and praising the state, and to be finished by the state. In this Heaven the bigger the government the better and the more bureaucracy the better. .........
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